I am wondering if any of you out there with panic disorder feel like I do about "normal" aches and pains turning into thoughts of "what terrible disease could be causing these new physical things I am feeling?" I have found myself talking to someone and telling them that I am feeling nervous about the fact that I am hurting in my back lately and then saying "That's my panic making me crazy again". I'm noticing that my panic dictates how I am feeling every day. It's become so "normal" for me to question every little thing I feel and wonder if it's a symptom I should not ignore that I am actually saying - "That's my panic talking". It really upset me when I realized what I was doing. It's like I am burying the panic deep down so I can function on a fairly normal level but now it's so deep that my subconscious seems to be using the panic to create a new me. This new me is more "generally" anxious instead of "on occasion dealing with an attack" anxious. I don't like this at all.
I've come to accept that I have panic disorder, use my tools, function fairly well but lately something's changed and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm sharing this new development on my journey with panic disorder in hopes that when I find out and conquer this new "symptom" I will be able to help someone else this may be happening to. The problem can never be solved until we acknowledge that there is a problem. I am just now becoming aware of this one.
What I think triggered me wanting to write a post about the dynamic of sickness or imagined sickness and my panic together is that yesterday I had my first prolia shot for Osteoporosis. It's fairly new to the market and a must do treatment for me since 4 years of other treatments have not helped. My numbers have continued to decline. The doctors said I am in the 1% that don't respond to the other drugs and that the new prolia shot taken once every six months is my only option. Of course I use food and supplements to increase calcium and magnesium absorption and exercise. I am always on edge when I have to take a new medication. I don't know how my body will react to it and I am very sensitive to medications anyway. I let my fear of this take over me yesterday and every little thing that was different has had me questioning my health. The side effects don't manifest until days and weeks later and we don't really know how it will affect each person. So my mind is all over the place on this one. I can only trust that it is ok. When I talk to people about it they say I am being ridiculous. I say it's my panic talking and so on.
The other thing is that I seem to be more anxious and sad during this holiday season. Maybe the general feeling of anxiety will go away after the holidays but I'll have to wait and see. I never used to feel this way during the holidays and not much has changed. However, I am under more stress than usual. Work has become a bit overwhelming with a change in companies which has added duties I am not familiar with. I am working my way through this. My aunt is coming to live with us since she is 94, fell and can't be alone anymore. I am already living with my mother and helping my son with college. I am alone so there isn't anyone to share things with (but that's not new). I did get really sick from a flu and head cold which seems to have physically drained me. All the things I am mentioning are things that we with panic disorder have to try and avoid. In my case I feel trapped in my circumstances and can't change anything at the moment.
It probably sounds like I'm rambling but this is how I work through a new development in my life.
I will continue posting about this as a series. Hoping for a good outcome!
