Some days I feel so good. I live for those days, those hours, those moments when all seems normal and right in my body and brain. I can think, speak, sit, stand, wait, engage, laugh. It's a feeling most people take for granted every day. I revel in it. Take it in. Am in awe of it. Am so grateful for it. I enjoy it while I can because at any moment everything can change in an instant. It's the strangest thing ever. Only people like me could understand what it feels like to live like this.
The very next day I was out for the entire day. It hit me like a bolt of lighting, very fast, unusually fast in the am just after I got up. It was so powerful, I had to take extra meds to calm down. Nothing worked except the meds. My day was engulfed with trying to work and sleep and work and sleep. Escape into a place where my panic usually lets me be....in sleep.
I've had times where it has woken me, choking me, sending me flying out of bed. But that hasn't happened in a long time.
I just don't understand how I can be so good one day and so bad the next. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to any of it.
I can write to you now while I am at a level 6, struggling but still able to communicate. I wanted to get this down because I know some of you struggle with panic that comes and goes for what seems to be no reason at all. I've kept a calender this month of each day and how and when my panic is striking and leaving. I am doing this because it seems to be a daily thing, out of my control and I am trying to get to the root or just catalog how it lives in me at different times and seasons of life.
I have been struggling with allergies, sinus infections, stress of finally getting my own home, learning my father is declining into alzheimers. Most things that happen to other people I can handle. It seems that when I am personally sick, unhealthy, either from the allergies or from emotional stress I am worse. It's the feelings inside me that set me off. The changes in my own body that I can't deal with in a sane way.
Why are we so sensitive to feelings? Why do they scare us so much? It seems so silly to the average person and to me. I self talk and say how silly I am being but my body is "just reacting" and I don't seem to have control over it. Like my mind can''t stop my body from feeling like it has been injected with 1000 shots of adrenaline.
But I will live today in thanks and prayer and make it through. I will push through and live for the next "normal" time.
I wish you all a panic and anxiety free day today! I wish you peace and calm today!
Anice
