Thankful for my Thorns

                                 
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I am reminded once again to be thankful for my thorns. I practice gratitude and thank God every day for all of His blessings and comfort but seem to always forget to thank Him for the pain I feel when I am in the throws of panic or after when I am feeling whole again. I tend to thank Him for healing me and the times in between panic attacks. But one day I was thinking about Paul's thorn he speaks of in the Bible and decided I must have what Paul had but my thorn was panic and that His grace is sufficient. This understanding gave me comfort.  But I forget and neglect to thank Him for this thorn.

I would like to share a post I just read that helped me remember to take the time to be thankful and acknowledge my thorn as a gift that may some day help others and to remember Gods comfort is such a blessing!

Read post here from Marty's Musings.

Amen Clinic Update

Time just flew!  I can't believe it is nearing the end of October.  I always am surprised when it's time to close out the month at work when I feel like I just did that! Ugh!  That's when I say "Wow, Another month, Done"!

I wanted to give an update to my experience at the Amen Clinic here in Atlanta.  The last post was a general description of my 2nd visit.  I am going to tell you about my first visit and then add to my second and then follow up with the After story.

I believe that any time we take action to help ourselves and especially go to a medical doctor or a therapist or a psychiatrist we tend to start to feel better because we have been proactive and talked to someone who actually wants to help and doesn't look at us like we are a circus freak. 

I made the appointment with the hopes that Amen Clinics were studying the brain and mental illness exclusively and they might have some new cutting edge treatment in the works.  I wanted to be a part of it (not a study but just find out the newest treatment that was working).

My first visit

-was rather scary and kind of fuzzy.  I was in full blown panic almost every day.
It was time to go to my appointment and I don't like to be late.  I found the complex but could not seem to find the building and office.  For someone with panic disorder in the throws of constant onset panic, this can be a real problem.  It can be stressful enough to make a person in this state turn around and head for home!  But I persevered, walked all over the complex, asked some questions and finally found it tucked away in a different building than where I thought it was.

I was very proud of myself!  Pat on the back!

Upon entering I was told I had to take a test that would last 20 minutes or so.  I said I already spent 4 hrs on the computer at home taking tests.  Did they lose my file?  I started to get irritated.  But I took the test (just a bunch of questions on a form).  Easy but still very similar to what I had done before.  I did it anyway.  I wanted to get to the next part.

I was then called into an office by a sweet young girl who asked me a lot of more direct questions related to how I had answered the questions on the computer.  It is hard to talk about those times and things that cracked my stress barrier.  The one that if you take on too much stress you crack and start having panic attacks.  Some people are lucky enough to have them go away forever.  Mine have been on for most of 25 years and off for 1 1/2 years.

But I answered.  She said at the end that she thought they could help me but didn't tell me how.  She said the next time I come and see the doctor he will go over everything with me.  I waited with great anticipation for that appointment a week later.

Second visit

- here we go - I am finally going to get cured.  The doctor ushered me into his office, just like any other doctor I have been to except he had a bookshelf loaded with books on the study of the brain.  I have been reading those books and all I could get my hands on for years trying to figure out what was wrong with my brain.  I thought - "Awesome!  Here is someone who understands and is an expert in this field.  I can't wait to hear this."

He had a very long report in his hands and gave me a copy.  We went over it together.  It was basically all I had said in my answers, what level of panic the doctor thought I was, and what his recommendations are for my treatment.  It was more about management, not cure.  I said ok.  Let's see what he adds to what I already know.

He got out some scans of someone elses brain and said "This is a scan of someone with 3 overactive areas in their brain.  I think yours looks like but add the other 2 areas......and this is what you need to do". The report mentioned all 5 areas of the brain affected by panic.  I didn't just have one overactive area but 5.  It gave me a sense of validation that it is a chemical imbalance that is agited and prolonged. It can be managed. There wasn't any "Here's the cure you've been looking for" but I felt like there was some science behind all this and where there is science there can be breakthroughs. They just hadn't found it yet. There was hope!

I wanted more than hope.  I wanted to be fixed.  He did not tell me much more than I already knew. Everything he recommended I was already doing except the GABA I mentioned before. I also cannot take anti-depressents. My body reacts as if I am on a stimulant and I cannot handle it at all. That is why I take the Lamictal (which he also recommended).  This is what I got for $1100.00 but if I leave with hope and a will to keep going and working toward managing my attacks and know that there is someone on our side out there trying to find a cure was worth every penny to me.

I do want to update you on the GABA.  I did some research and saw most people saying that the kind of GABA you get from the health food store and the Amen Clinic (yes, they sell the products and DVDS - hate that is seems they are in the supplements industry and possibly playing on the fierce fear of people with ADD, ADHD, anxiety and panic disorders and the fear of their parents does want to make me throw up), could not pass through the Brain Blood Barrier so could not possiblly help.

Science always tugs at me, "find out more".  So I called the doctor and he said it has been helping people.  That's all he could say.  I will say, whatever works.  Sometimes belief and faith can and does play a huge role in our recovery.  So if you think it is helping then take it.  It's a good supplement.  Our brain makes it.  It does help the area affected in panic and anxiety when created naturally in the brain.  It can't hurt.  I chose to stop taking it until I can find one that is touted as making it through the Blood Brain Barrier.  I also rely on God and my faith and the power of prayer and positive thinking.  They are all valuable, priceless tools in our toolbox. 
 
 

GABA and my Progress

Today was a good day!  I wanted to update you on the supplement GABA I mentioned in my last post here.  As I mentioned I've been taking 200 mg chewable tablets mid morning that I got from my favorite health food store near me called Life Grocery.  I was very skeptical at first but since I have been taking it I am not experiencing panic when I feel a change in my body or when I feel panicky about something that is going on. (See update Post.  This was not actually the case)

I can feel panicky without any "panic aura" starting like "normal" people when they are in a stressful or scary situations.  It is how I have wanted to feel for 25 years.  The joy I felt when I realized this was worth every penny I spent to find out about GABA.  (Or so I thought)

Granted, I could've eventually come across it in someone elses blog or a website but I hadn't and it couldn't have come soon enough.  It has been a bad and very long year and a half.  I was at my wits end having panic as badly as in the beginning before I knew anything or had any tools.  Nothing was working.  I was so stressed out from living in a home with my elderly aunt and elderly mother.

I found out about GABA from the doctors at The Amen Clinic that opened here in Atlanta not long ago.  I had been following Dr. Amen on PBS for years.  He had clinics in states that I did not want to go to.  Finally a clinic opened here.  I found out about 5HTP from his show, of which I take 50 mg each night before bed.  I prefer natural products and chemicals that the brain and body make and need to perform properly. 

The doctor at Amen Clinics told me that he thinks I have overactive areas in my brain including the GABA receptors.  Of course he couldn't be certain because I didn't have the brain scan to the tune of another $1100.00.  That would have to wait.  Their initial testing and consultations cost $1100.00

He said I needed more Gaba because my brain was using up what my body makes and I didn't know.  It is a calming chemical that we produce naturally.  So is 5HTP!  I do better with very low doses since I am 5'1" and 98lbs.  Too much sends me into a panic because I can actually feel it if it is too much.  This also could be my fears and not actually the amount of GABA.  We never really know what is going on but try to just listen to our bodies.  Whatever works! 

For me it is true that I have to take smaller doses of medicine.  I just don't know about the GABA.

Times in Between Panic and Calm

It has been a long time since I last wrote a post here on my blog. Time can get away from those of us who have panic disorder.  During stressful times a year can pass by without us doing anything except "deal" with our stress.
We use all our tools.
We go to our therapist.
We get up every morning.
 We go to bed every night.
We do everything we can in between to just get through the day.

Then one day we look around and realize an entire year has gone by.  This is what has happened to me this past year.  Because it was a year of almost non stop panic I wanted to share how I got through it in hopes of helping someone else going through something similar!  I am feeling better after a very long and difficult journey.  Never give up hope. We live for the times when things feel normal, when we can see through the fog and past the tunnel vision, when we can think clearly and enjoy the simple things most people take for granted.

I am tempted to call what this past year has been like "hypersensitivity" to the nth degree.  It felt as though I was plugged into a an electrical socket.  Everything triggered my panic in different degrees.  I was not panic free for months at a time.  Everyone wanted to know what I thought brought back such severe levels of panic.  In my case I have a stress threshold that when passed, triggers chronic panic in me, hence true panic disorder as my specific diagnosis.

This past year my mother's sister moved in with us after falling and breaking her pelvis.  This was her 6th fall in 6 years.  She couldn't be alone anymore and had to bring her into our home. She fell again soon after she moved it which helped us discover that she had diabetes.  We got her physically healthy again.  However, her sedentary lifestyle over the years and being laid up after so many falls caused her muscles to atrophy and she could walk without a walker.  She became fearful and basically did not leave a living room chair and bed except to use the bathroom and come to the dinner table.  She became angry, bitter and depressed.  We became consumed with her needs and endured her wrath daily.  It all simply became too much for me.  She was with us for a year and a half.  The last few months I was getting worse and worse.  It felt like being exposed to her negative, sad, angry emotions was like exposing me to a toxic chemical. 

I was convinced it was because of her living with us that I was not able to keep the panic at bay.  After much begging and pleading my family helped me get her to go for a month long visit to a cousin who adores her.  Almost instantly after she left I began to feel better.  I could breathe easier.
I didn't feel as if my body was on high alert.  It felt like I had been set free from a prison.

Being healthy mentally means being stress free as much  as much as is possible in this world and these times.  It is so important to keep the boundries up that keep me feeling safe.  I continue to exercise, eat and sleep well, keep busy and let my body heal from the onslaught of emotional toxins that made me sick. 

 

 

You have to fight for yourself.  You have to be selfish.  If you are not well you can't help others.  Learning how to cope is your first priority.  Implementing the things you need to do to be able to cope is the next step.  Keeping things as stress free as possible is the next.  Living a joyful life is your ultimate goal.  It may take some time to get to it but never give up. 

There is always a light and always a way.  Reach out to people like me for help or just plain understanding so you don't feel alone.  Have faith that things will get better and don't think there is something wrong with you if you can't handle big time stress triggers.  Noone can.  We just feel it more.  There isn't anything wrong with you except you have overactive areas in the brain that cause panic attacks when stress gets to be too much. 

 

I have started taking 200 mg of GABA from the health food store.  I'll let you know how it helps.  50 mg of 5HTP is also great and comes from the health food store.  Try them.  I am also trying a calcium and magnesium powder called"Calm plus Calcium".  Mixed with water it is a very good way to calm the nerves.  All these things calm different areas of the brain and they do help and they are all natural things that our bodies need to function properly.

Good luck and may you find peace today!

With Love,
Anice