Sensitive to Energy Around Us

It has been a week since I wrote my last post.  I said I would continue writing as a series to "That's My Panic Talking Again".  My intention was to endure the turn my panic was taking me and hope to understand it and then tell you what I found out.  As it happens I did find out something I already knew but forgot and have not mentioned here before.

 Some of us with panic or anxiety have noticed that we are more in touch with and sensitive to our surroundings.  By that I mean the people we come in contact with or have a soulful connection with affects us.  I can pass someone and feel a flutter of something that sets off my panic.  It is the energy of the person I just passed or am even speaking with.  They may have something they are anxious about or their emotions are running high and I can "feel" them.

What I have experienced is that when someone I love is in trouble or feeling pain or sorrow I can actually feel it.  I don't know it at the time.  I experience heightened anxiety that will go into full blown panic for no reason at all.  I'm just going about my day or night and boom....I'm hit with a tidal wave.  I use my tools, call someone and can usually come down from it but I'm always sitting there wondering what just hit me like a ton of bricks or why do I feel sick?  Why am I scared?

I will tell you a story of something that happened to me that will show you what I mean.  I had the opportunity to go for a visit that took me over seas.  I was to be gone one week.  Filled with excitement at the thought of being able to "get away from it all" I boarded my plane and a few hours later was in one of my favorite places where I always feel peaceful and calm.  After a short time I started feeling sick.  I had some pains in my stomache and chest.  I thought it might be something I ate.  I tried different things to "physically" feel better.  Nothing was working.  At dinner one night I was overwhelmed with a feeling of dread and panic set in.  I couldn't breathe and in front of everyone I had to get up and get some air.  It immediately turned into tears and fear.  Everyone wondered what was wrong and I had no idea.

That night I had a nagging urge to call home.  Noone answered the phone.  I tried 3 different family members and nothing.  I began to understand and worry set in.  Finally I got a call back and was told my mother was in the hospital.  Her lungs were filled with fluid.  She would be there the entire time I was away.  The interesting thing was that when I found out what was going on my symptoms stopped.  I began to feel better and to feel the peace and calmness I always was able to feel when I visited.  It was like my spirit was feeling and my body was reacting but my head had no idea what was going on.  It manifested in panic.

It happened again this week.  And again I came to find out my mother fell and broke a rib.  I have many more stories like that but I think you get my meaning.  I believe that we are very sensitive to the energy around us.  We can let it pound us with symptoms or we can ask the question, Is someone I know in trouble.  It helps to know.  It just helps us.  We can process it.  Move it to the part of the brain that doesn't focus on "panic" - "the human brain responds like this goes back to our prehistoric past where humans needed their bodies to respond quickly to a perceived physical threat. What this new research is telling us, is that people’s mental activity during a panic attack is suddenly moving to the mid brain, resulting in the heightened state of fear and panic. In short, a separate part of your brain becomes more active during a panic attack."  


The website I get this information from is here.  I want to tell you that I DO NOT agree with what this site says about breathing not being effective.  I find it to be very effective.  Take what works for you from the site.  We are all different.


Now that I know what's been increasing my general, almost constant state of anxiety I can move on to something else.  I wish I could have focused sooner on something else but as I said in my last post I am in new territory here and have learned what to do next time this happens!

That's My Panic Talking Again

I am wondering if any of you out there with panic disorder feel like I do about "normal" aches and pains turning into thoughts of "what terrible disease could be causing these new physical things I am feeling?"  I have found myself talking to someone and telling them that I am feeling nervous about the fact that I am hurting in my back lately and then saying "That's my panic making me crazy again".  I'm noticing that my panic dictates how I am feeling every day.  It's become so "normal" for me to question every little thing I feel and wonder if it's a symptom I should not ignore that I am actually saying - "That's my panic talking".  It really upset me when I realized what I was doing.  It's like I am burying the panic deep down so I can function on a fairly normal level but now it's so deep that my subconscious seems to be using the panic to create a new me.  This new me is more "generally" anxious instead of "on occasion dealing with an attack" anxious.  I don't like this at all.

I've come to accept that I have panic disorder, use my tools, function fairly well but lately something's changed and I'm not sure what to do about it.  I'm sharing this new development on my journey with panic disorder in hopes that when I find out and conquer this new "symptom" I will be able to help someone else this may be happening to.  The problem can never be solved until we acknowledge that there is a problem.  I am just now becoming aware of this one.

What I think triggered me wanting to write a post about the dynamic of sickness or imagined sickness and my panic together is that yesterday I had my first prolia shot for Osteoporosis.  It's fairly new to the market and a must do treatment for me since 4 years of other treatments have not helped.  My numbers have continued to decline.  The doctors said I am in the 1% that don't respond to the other drugs and that the new prolia shot taken once every six months is my only option.  Of course I use food and supplements to increase calcium and magnesium absorption and exercise. I am always on edge when I have to take a new medication.  I don't know how my body will react to it and I am very sensitive to medications anyway.  I let my fear of this take over me yesterday and every little thing that was different has had me questioning my health.  The side effects don't manifest until days and weeks later and we don't really know how it will affect each person.  So my mind is all over the place on this one.  I can only trust that it is ok.  When I talk to people about it they say I am being ridiculous.  I say it's my panic talking and so on.

The other thing is that I seem to be more anxious and sad during this holiday season.  Maybe the general feeling of anxiety will go away after the holidays but I'll have to wait and see.  I never used to feel this way during the holidays and not much has changed.  However, I am under more stress than usual.  Work has become a bit overwhelming with a change in companies which has added duties I am not familiar with.  I am working my way through this.  My aunt is coming to live with us since she is 94, fell and can't be alone anymore.  I am already living with my mother and helping my son with college.  I am alone so there isn't anyone to share things with (but that's not new).  I did get really sick from a flu and head cold which seems to have physically drained me.  All the things I am mentioning are things that we with panic disorder have to try and avoid.  In my case I feel trapped in my circumstances and can't change anything at the moment.

It probably sounds like I'm rambling but this is how I work through a new development in my life.

I will continue posting about this as a series.  Hoping for a good outcome!

Holidays Can be a Time of Heightened Anxiety

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you out there who suffer from anxiety and panic disorder!  I want to write today to express my understanding of how much the holidays affect so many people in a bad way.  It is a time that reminds us of when we were happy a time BP (before panic).  It is a time when we are required to be among people whether it is family or friends.  We are expected to act like everyone else when we are not like everyone else.  It is a time of our biggest challenge.  We will become anxious just thinking about whether we will have anxiety or a panic attack in front of everyone and thus ruining their and our special holiday.  We are fearful of the unknown.  Some of us will will safer at this time being surrounded by the people who love us the most but most of us have family and friends who do not understand what we are going through and don't want to deal with our issues.  Some may even say we are just trying to get attention.  It can be a hard time.  But I know you can do it!!  Reach out and believe you are strong! Fight the fight! It is our life and we become stronger for it.  It is OK to feel sad and scared.  But only for a minute.  Then "take captive your thoughts". Turn them around to thoughts that edify you and lift you up.  It will take all you have in you but don't let time go by without trying.

We also begin a descent into mild depression and melancholy.  We begin to look back on our lives and focus more on our pain than on the joy.  I want to ask you as you are reading this if you would like to do whatever it takes to not go into that place of darkness that we know so well.  Pull out your tools and remember IT WILL NOT HURT YOU. Say it over and over.  The more we practice being "normal". The more "normal" we will become.  Our episodes will become less and less.  I promise!!

I have to go somewhere today that I don't want to go.  But I must.  I must try.  I will succeed.  Even if I have to cut the time short I will go and try my very best to see the good in where I am and the joy that family can bring.  I can feel happy for the people I am with that they don't suffer.  Focus on them.  I find focusing on others instead of myself helps me a lot.

Good luck today and during the holiday.  I will be back here to write more to encourage you.  Tell me your stories.  I can help.  I can be an ear.  We can all benefit from sharing!!!

I want to share a site with you called In The Quiet.  The woman who does it is incredible.  She has helped me tremendously through her selflessness of sharing her thoughts and providing a "Quiet Place" for me to go.

TOOLS FROM THE TOOLBOX

Basic Tools I have learned over the years that help me find Peace in the Storm.

When my "aura" begins I do the following:

1. Breathe into the abdomen for a count of 4. Hold. Breathe out for a count of 4. Do this 4 -6 times. (I practice breathing throughout my day.)

2. Immediately change my thoughts by putting on music, getting up and going for a walk, get on a treadmill, go to my saved sites that can talk me down just by reading what others have found helps them. It is our thoughts that spiral out of control. If you can't do it yourself (been there) try to find someone you can call who will talk you down, read to you, read scriptures to you and invest in some soothing cd's. Sometimes more lively music does the trick.

3. Daily small doses of medication can help keep panic at bay while you are learning how to use the tools in the toolbox.

4. Sit down and direct your thoughts to what you are doing to overload your stress level. If possible step back from one or two or three things that are over-stressing you. (For some it is not possible to change jobs but change something). One of the interesting notes I came across on the "overcomepanic" website is that we are often over-achievers, perfectionists, people-pleasers and don't take care of ourselves the way we take care of others. We have to know when to stop and slow down and take a break.

This is my screensaver. I look closely at the incredible design of each flower praising our creator for such beauty. This helps me re-focus on something other than myself.

5. Others have found that coughing helps and a good cry. The adrenaline released from the fight or flight response (that is the panic attack) has to be released. Sometimes nothing works and you have to cry it out. Other times when nothing else works, medicine or a "shock" will snap you out of it. Once I had an attack for 6 solid hours (the longest ever for me). Nothing was working. I used all my tools. I decided it must be something physically wrong that needed the attention of a doctor. My son moved a car out of the drive to take me to the hospital and he hit a car. He was so upset that all I could focus on was him and the accident. Noone was hurt and I was immediately transported out of my panic and into peace. I do not suggest going out and hitting a car. Instead focus on something that you are passionate about that helps someone or something that has it worse than you. (such as animals that have been abused and need our help, people who have unfortunately lost their jobs and homes, our brave soldiers coming home with injuries). These things can take our minds off of US.

6. Eat something. I always have food with me. Usually it's picking types of food that eating them takes some focus which takes my mind off siting waiting for the light to change or for traffic to get better. These types of foods are pumpkin or sunflower seeds that have to be opened, raisins, seed and fruit mixes, banana chips (for the sugar), protein bars, whatever it is you like to pick on. Make sure you always have water. Dehydration can make changes in our body that sets off the "something's wrong" trigger.

7. See a therapist who specializes in behavioral therapy. This works for us as well as it's other uses. We do have a say so in changing our behaviors. A good therapist can show you how to do this. (This is more for prevention and learning new tools)

8. Exercise regularly and try yoga or other relaxation and stretching exercises. (Also for prevention and lowering stress but can be done at the time an aura begins)

9. Practice Gratitude and Forgiveness. Striving for joy and happiness in life can free us of so much that we try to control that we cannot change. The serenity prayer is right on when we don't know what to pray:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference!!

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

-–Melody Beattie

10. Put on the Armor of God.  (See under my uplifting section in the right column).

11. Meditation is very important for stress relief. For those of you who choose a different kind of meditation Here is a site for you!! A very old friend of mine created this site to help heal the broken spirit. This is her way and it is a good way.

I choose prayer myself but there is nothing wrong with peaceful meditation with God's creation.

12. Play Solitaire or Jewels or some kind of game on the computer or the old fashioned way. Remember, we are taking our focus from our negative thoughts and putting it on something else. If we can't think we have to change what we are doing to be able to think and then start thinking positive thoughts.

Remember you cannot help others unless you are healthy.

Get healthy. Eat better. Back off on the caffeine. Walk or Run. Use your tools and feel free to share any great ways you get healthy not mentioned here. We are all different and we should always find what works for us. We are wonderfully and perfectly made and we have a way out!

Peace and Blessings!!!

You Are Not Alone!!

If you are like me you have been told by everyone from your doctors to your friends to people with panic who have posted or blogged or have their own panic websites that one of the biggest factors that keep us struggling with our panic is STRESS. The common solution is "there isn't anything else to do after we have mastered using our tools except "CHANGE OUR CIRCUMSTANCES/ENVIRONMENT". 

If we can remove ourselves from whatever may be causing our stress to be on overload we would have more peace. This is actually true and a proven fact for those of us with panic disorder. It has been stated over and over again. All of the websites I have shared with you have this as a piece of the puzzle to victory.

For more affirmation here is another website that has a been a big help to me. The woman who created it has put a lot of work into it and sincerely wishes to help us. She titles the site "No More Panic". It is based out of the UK. When I first found it I couldn't believe how many people all over the world suffer as I do. I felt vindicated, affirmed and finally, Not Alone.

I am one of those people who cannot change my circumstances in a significant way. I can only tweek them here and there so I do continue to struggle. However, I handle it better and better if I stay focused on others, God and not me, exercise, meditate and use all of the tools in my toolbox. It is a constant battle that is exhausting but at least I am not running out of the grocery store or bank or feeling like leaving my car at the stop light or in the traffic. I still don't like sitting in a traffic jam on the highway so will get off as soon as possible and take a different route. I always allow more time in case I need to do this. 

I will also usually offer to drive somewhere with the person I am with unaware that I am doing this to avoid a panic attack.

Our lives are disrupted by this kind of behavior but it's become more of an annoyance than a debilitating experience. I have my bad days when I fall apart wondering "why me". Why can I not be completely free of this? I will never have a normal life, etc. Then I see a homeless person, or a person without a limb or someone who is disfigured......you get the point. I realize how lucky I am to still have time to try to achieve victory. There is still a chance I will be free. Hope is what we live on. Sometimes what we have feels like a disability (one that no one can see so is not taken seriously). In fact, at times it almost feels worse because no one can see it.

I went to a doctor once to discuss the fact that my physical feelings when I get sick sometimes throw me into a panic attack so I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if I should see a doctor. I told him I wanted to find a doctor that would understand I need to see him more often than usual because I don't know sometimes where my symptoms are coming from. (Symptoms mimic other medical conditions). He immediately started screaming at me (I'm not kidding) that he would not discuss "anxiety" with me or anyone. He did this in front of a medical student who was shadowing him that day. I was mortified. He treated me like I wasn't worthy of his medical care. In this day and age still many medical doctors do not even want to go there. He said to go see a psychiatrist.

What I was trying to do was find a medical doctor that was sympathetic and knowledgeable about panic and how it affects us physically. Sometimes all we need to know is that no, we are not having a heart attack or we don't have a deadly disease. And we feel that only a medical doctor can correctly diagnose this. I still have not found that "doctor" that can treat me with an understanding of the condition that I have and just be there. (I pay to see him so why should he care that I may not be sick physically at the time or my physical condition could be aggravated by my panic). In turn, stress not only affects our panic disorder it also affects us physically and CAN cause disease to come into our bodies. The two are related. When I find that doctor I will let you know.

When you can't change your circumstances all you can do is hold on, seek anything that can give you some peace, try to find out if you boss would be understanding and maybe let you work from home, believe that you will get better, work really hard to get out of the house and do things (the more you work on this the more you will see improvement).

And last but not least there is medication. Many people are afraid of medication but it really can make the biggest difference. Talk to your doctor.

I do want to say one thing in case one of you has tried every single anti-depressant out there and cannot take them because the way you react to them is feeling like you want to jump out of your skin which in turn brings on more panic. All doctors will tell you to try one. They do help many people but for those of us that they don't help this is what I found:

I was speaking with a psychiatrist friend one day and telling him my troubles with anti-depressants. He explained that my body chemistry reacts opposite of other people's body chemistry to anti-depressants and that I needed to try (and I did not like hearing this) bi-polar medication in very small doses. So I went to my doctor. We discussed this and his recommendation was to try Lamictal. He wanted me to work up to 100mg. I never got there. I was fine on 25. I now break my 25mg in half. (I can tell when I haven't taken my Lamictal). It's all about what you need and you are the only one who knows how your body feels when taking any kind of drug. It seems to help take the edge off and it's such a small dose most doctors snicker when they hear it. I am very petite. No two bodies are alike. 

 My motto is less is better but you do have to experiment. Do it gradually and under a doctor's care. I also take 5HTP (50mg). I can also tell when I haven't been taking it. It is not harmful. You can buy it over the counter at any drug store or health food store. I like a particular brand. Studies of the brain have shown that depleted 5HTP can be an underlying factor in some of us who have panic attacks. (It's described as a natural anti-depressant). The first time I heard about 5HTP was on PBS. I was watching Dr Amen. You should do your own investigation on Dr Amen and his study of the brain. Look him up. Some people don't like him. I said to myself, what can it hurt? I've tried everything.

Disclaimer****Please note that these are the medicines and treatments that have helped me. I am not telling you what to do with your particular situation. Whenever I hear about a new drug or treatment I do my due diligence and research and speak with medical professionals and take them only with my doctors knowledge. Some medicines react with other medicines. So just be SMART!!!

THE WAVES

Fierce drives the storm, but wind and waves
Within His hand are held,
And trusting His omnipotence
My fears are sweetly quelled. —Brown

Have you ever had one of those attacks that isn't just ONE Attack but a series of waves one after the other? I have. And it's the worst kind of attack. Just when you think it's passing or subsiding here comes another wave of intensity. I remember just asking why, why won't it stop? And what is driving this? What is the chemistry behind this? It can't be my fears mounting up into a big explosion. This is something else. Much scarier than other times. This is when I really want to call an ambulance or go to the hospital. I hate having to knock myself out with medication just to make it stop but sometimes that is what I have done. The worst experience with this type of attack I had was when the medicine didn't work. Then I had a problem too big for me to bare.

This is when I want to blow my brains out or "cut off my head" because that is where it's coming from. I know that's gross and graphic but that is how I felt. I am so lucky that I have a very strong sense of survival and disgust of suicide. That scares me more. I truly believe suicide is a universal no-no. No matter what religion, you will read in it's book something about never going to "the other side" if you do. (I know you're thinking of the suicide bombers and the terrorists that think they are serving their God. But if you read their "Book" it actually instructs them against this).

Specific instructions tell you NOT to take your own life. I believe that. I know my belief is why I am alive. My panic is so bad that I have contemplated making it stop by jumping off a cliff so many times. I am so glad I did not do that! Please know that there is hope and that you will survive this. The good times will eventually out-weigh the bad. As a fellow panic disorder survivor/sufferer says: "Don't Forget to Look Up"!! You just might see a rainbow.

Panic Attack vs Anxiety Attack

PANIC ATTACKS - Can they hurt us? What are they? How can I stop them?

On my journey of searching for help with my panic disorder I came across a book written by Ray Comfort called Overcoming Panic Attacks. It was the beginning of validation that I was not alone. It also gave an in-depth description of a panic attack that could help my family and friends somewhat understand what I went through on a daily basis, many times a day.

"Unlike anxiety attacks or generalized anxiety panic attacks come on suddenly, unexpectedly, and appear to be unprovoked - begin out of the blue with no obvious trigger and 90% of the time are completely disabling." - Description found on a blog that had the closest description to a PANIC ATTACK that I have seen in 22 years.

The biggest mystery for me and my panic disorder is that after an hour of telling myself that "it's just a panic attack. It will pass.", when do I decide there could actually be something physically wrong and that if I don't get to the hospital for treatment I could really be in trouble? How do I know the difference? How do I tell?

Usually an attack will pass after anywhere from 2 minutes to 15 minutes. If you start feeling better after you have initiated "tools" from your toolbox then you know it was more like what I call an anxiety attack.

If nothing changes after a few minutes of implementing some learned behavioral and breathing tools and if you cannot even think of what to do to help yourself you are having a PANIC ATTACK. If a feeling of fear grips you to the point that you would rather jump off a bridge than feel what you are feeling you are having a PANIC ATTACK. Anyone watching this happen to you, including the doctors and nurses at the emergency room look at you like you are acting like a two year old and need to get a grip.

This is the most helpless feeling. No one understands. No one knows what to do and Everyone is telling you "It can't hurt you. It will pass. Breathe, etc." All you can do is look at them with fear in your eyes and pain they cannot see.

It's like a friend of mine just said to me today....If you never lost your mother you do not know what it feels like. Another analogy is... If you have never had children you do not understand the love of a mother for her child. (Dad's can feel this way too.). Anyone who has never had a PANIC ATTACK does NOT know what you are going through.

There are things you can do to minimize and get your attack under control. There are ways to ask friends and loved ones to help you. There are ways to live with this disorder and break free of the bondage and experience life in a way you used to live (before panic disorder took hold of your life).

For a lot of us we find our source of strength and comfort knowing God is there for us during our time of struggle and can ultimately deliver us from bondage. In the meantime he also gives us tools through therapists, meditation on Him - His Word, exercise, medications; all so we can help ourselves understand what is happening to us and to focus on looking up.

A fabulous Christian woman, Angela Brittain started a website that helps ME when I am struggling. It is called overcomepanic.com.

We are definitely NOT ALONE:)

Below is a poem I wrote before I found any help from any thing or any one. I was alone and felt helpless (even in my marriage and even with a loving family). Maybe you can relate. But I am here to tell you that you will one day look back as I am on this poem and say Thank You to all the people who were brave enough to write down how they became free of Panic Disorder.

May 1993 (One year into ten attacks a day) Death dream

Someone to hold me when I sleep

Someone to tell my dreams to in the middle of the night

Someone to tell me everything is going to be alright when:

The throbbing in my head begins

The sudden heat and constriction of my lungs

The fear of losing control

The pulling on my soul

The feeling of suffocation and dying

The blackness

Someone to stop the pain