THE WAVES

Fierce drives the storm, but wind and waves
Within His hand are held,
And trusting His omnipotence
My fears are sweetly quelled. —Brown

Have you ever had one of those attacks that isn't just ONE Attack but a series of waves one after the other? I have. And it's the worst kind of attack. Just when you think it's passing or subsiding here comes another wave of intensity. I remember just asking why, why won't it stop? And what is driving this? What is the chemistry behind this? It can't be my fears mounting up into a big explosion. This is something else. Much scarier than other times. This is when I really want to call an ambulance or go to the hospital. I hate having to knock myself out with medication just to make it stop but sometimes that is what I have done. The worst experience with this type of attack I had was when the medicine didn't work. Then I had a problem too big for me to bare.

This is when I want to blow my brains out or "cut off my head" because that is where it's coming from. I know that's gross and graphic but that is how I felt. I am so lucky that I have a very strong sense of survival and disgust of suicide. That scares me more. I truly believe suicide is a universal no-no. No matter what religion, you will read in it's book something about never going to "the other side" if you do. (I know you're thinking of the suicide bombers and the terrorists that think they are serving their God. But if you read their "Book" it actually instructs them against this).

Specific instructions tell you NOT to take your own life. I believe that. I know my belief is why I am alive. My panic is so bad that I have contemplated making it stop by jumping off a cliff so many times. I am so glad I did not do that! Please know that there is hope and that you will survive this. The good times will eventually out-weigh the bad. As a fellow panic disorder survivor/sufferer says: "Don't Forget to Look Up"!! You just might see a rainbow.